Finetuning and modulating 

July 27, 2020

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  It's dawn on a Monday morning, too hot to move much, and perfect for listening to the breeze in the trees.  I can hear You.

I've been writing almost as long as I've been walking on two legs.  Making my mark with my presence, my words out loud, my inward prayers, and my tired right hand cramped from scribbling with a has been a drive to understand by translating from what hangs in the ethers to what impels me to move.  If you've seen me move lately, you know the body receiving those outer impulses  are often not finely tuned with its in-pulses.  Outer instructions to do as I'm directed from my human-led surroundings have always needed more attention from me than many of my peers required.  It's one of the costs of a considered life.  Also one of the costs of being inwardly, deliberately, and harmonically tuned to my own sense of what holds together----what is "true" in this moment---what meets the requirements of my personal code of honor.  Heavy stuff.  I get bent and twisted just thinking about the job of modulating my inner and outer world for the coming day.

Yet it seems that the braking mechanism of a virus-inspired holding action that surprised no one who was watching the last twenty years for this moment (many deep science integrators predicted it out loud for half a century or more, if you, like me, were listening) has given many of us an excuse we never had before.  Even here in my toxic-ly ambitious First World country, my neighbor's fears of ruin must be considered before I blithely flit about doing my life at high speed.  I can't be controlled by that fact, but I can't see any way to live response-ably without taking the immediately present humans and their concerns into account, before I act when possible.   It's the only path to self-mastery I can see right now.  Fine-tuning at my very nerve endings my ambition for me with ambition for Us.

I've cultivated the processing speed of my brain for just such calculations my whole life, often when being told I think too much, I'm being too serious, I'm trying to hold back the tide.  No, I can say this odd and undefined Monday morning....I'm just modulating with Planet Earth as much as I can.  Which is to say, driven and constrained and nourished and rebalanced by Mother Nature's idea of me and my place in the universe.  We're in conference about that project every morning.  If I don't overspend my attention, We're in a wrap up meeting before I sleep.  I don't pretend the big picture is in my control, a welcome change from an overspent youth.  I don't have to pretend at all, if I get one of those modulating reminders of my smallness and my vastness and my connectedness, as a harmonic chord landing on a human be-ing where she can be reached through her human do-ing.  

It's Monday morning and the breeze is definitely dancing with the trees.  I can hear You.